W.C. Fields
Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
My illness is due to my Doctors insistance that I drink milk, a whittish fluid they force down helpless babies.
Twas a woman that drove me to drink...never did get around to thankin' her.
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
I never drink water; that's the stuff that rusts pipes.
I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Groucho Marx
I was married by a Judge. I should have asked for a jury. 
I don't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member.
You've got the brain of a four year old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.
Marry me and make me miserable.
It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.